Co-Parenting During the Holidays: How to Manage Anxiety When You Have to See Your Ex
I remember the first holiday season after our separation, and boy, was I nervous. My eldest was performing with her band at a beautiful venue, and I was truly looking forward to it. But my body? It was telling a completely different story. I was a bundle of nerves—tight chest, fidgety hands, that unsettled feeling sitting right under my ribs.
It wasn’t the concert that made me anxious. I knew my ex would be there. Knowing I’d have to stand in the same room, smile, and act composed while my insides were doing somersaults.
From the moment the divorce begins, many parents find themselves living on what I call the Front Stage—the place where you’re expected to stay composed, cooperative, and steady for your children, even when inside you’re dealing with heartbreak, anger, or survival-level stress. The holidays make these moments even more emotionally loaded because traditions, memories, and expectations are already heightened.
Have you ever had to put on a brave face and play nice with your ex in public? It’s like starring in a soap opera—or for some, winning an Oscar—just without the fame or fortune. Co-parenting throws you into situations where you must keep your cool for your children’s sake, even when every part of you is screaming otherwise.
The Boiling Pot of Emotions
Picture this: you’re at a holiday event, trying to act civil and composed, while inside, you’re a boiling pot of emotions—restless, sick to your stomach, and tied up in knots. You may feel pissed off, withdrawn, or quiet. Or you might be perfectly fine and happy until your ex walks in, and suddenly your entire nervous system goes on high alert.
I’ve been there more than once. I was always more fidgety and tense when these situations came up. I could feel it in my body long before I recognized it in my mind. Your body often tells you the truth before you can name it, and your children will pick up on the anxious energy you’re projecting.
When that happens, pause for a moment. Place your feet firmly on the ground. Take slow, deep breaths, check out this YouTube video of the 4-7-8 breath. Let your shoulders drop. It won’t erase the stress, but it will help soften the intensity you’re carrying.
This is when you must start thinking about performing for your children’s sake on what we call the Front Stage. It’s that moment when you have to muster up your best self and put on a smile. For some, it’s not an easy task, but as you grow into the co-parenting routine, it becomes less jarring and more manageable. You can even prepare for these moments in advance—think of it as rehearsal time, practicing what you’ll say and how you’ll carry yourself when the spotlight is suddenly on.
The Value of the Back Stage
If the Front Stage is where you perform for your children’s sense of safety, the Back Stage is where your real emotional work happens, and it is essential during divorce.
The Back Stage is where you decompress, vent, cry, breathe, and be honest without worrying about your kids overhearing. For me, it often meant long walks after drop-offs or events, releasing everything I had been holding in.
Your Back Stage might be:
a walk when the kids are with the other parent
venting to a trusted friend
talking to a coach or therapist
journaling
sitting in your car for five minutes of quiet
If anger shows up, and for many people it does, finding healthy ways to express it matters. In The Truth About Divorce Anger, I share research-backed strategies for releasing anger in ways that support healing rather than prolonging conflict.
Balancing Front Stage and Back Stage
Co-parenting isn’t just a performance; it’s an emotional high-wire act. The balancing is hard because life doesn’t pause to make room for your feelings. You might receive a nasty legal letter that morning from your ex’s lawyer, or find out—again—that child support hasn’t been paid. I experienced this one. And yet, you still have to show up. You still have to face the person who is actively causing you stress, harm, or instability.
Sometimes the challenge is even more visceral: your ex arrives at a child’s event with a new partner, or with the very person they had an affair with. Your body reacts before your brain can catch up. Your heart drops. Your chest tightens. Anger, grief, disbelief… it all rises fast.
And in that moment, you still have to hold yourself together for your child.
That’s the Front Stage.
That’s the impossible-feeling part.
This is exactly why the Back Stage matters as much as it does. You need a private place where those big emotions can exist fully and safely. A space where you don’t have to pretend. A space where what happened that morning or that evening can actually be processed, instead of swallowed.
Protecting Your Children
It is well-researched and known that high conflict in front of your children is the worst thing you can do. Is this always easy? NO, but it's 100 percent essential. We must recognize the importance of shielding our children from the upheavals of divorce and co-parenting. It becomes imperative to find avenues for expressing our personal feelings about the situation. The Back Stage serves precisely this purpose—an outlet where we can freely vent and confide without risking harm to our children's well-being.
Building Your Support Network
This is one of the biggest gaps I see in the divorce world. For your Back Stage to work, you need a strong support network. It’s not optional — it’s foundational.
You need people who:
genuinely care
don’t judge
don’t inflame your resentment
listen without trying to “fix”
steady you when you’re spiraling
These are the people who create your safe emotional landing place.
A healthy Back Stage keeps your Front Stage clear, grounded, and emotionally safe — for you and for your children.
The Four Pillars of Support
As the holidays approach, a time that can magnify both loneliness and emotional strain, it's more important than ever to build what I call the Four Pillars of Support. These pillars include:
Family and close friends, the right ones
Divorce peers who understand your struggles firsthand
Professionals such as divorce coaches, recovery coaches, psychologists, and counselors
Yourself, because your own commitment to healing and integrating the divorce into your life is foundational
This balanced network ensures that you don’t feel alone, especially during seasons that can feel particularly triggering or emotionally loaded.
Allocating Time for Support
Friends and family often do their best, but as time goes on, even the most well-meaning people may tire of hearing about the same conflicts or frustrations. That’s why it’s essential to intentionally carve out time to connect with your support network. These dedicated moments allow you to vent, process, and be vulnerable, without guilt, without holding back.
This emotional release is what strengthens your ability to stay composed on the Front Stage, especially during holiday concerts, family gatherings, and social events where your ex might be present.
Ensuring Privacy
With kids home more during the holidays, privacy becomes crucial. Keep Back Stage conversations well out of earshot.
Your quiet space might be:
A walk outside
Your parked car
The garage
A closed bathroom door (be mindful of them hanging close by)
I’ve used all of them. They work.
Using the Workbook
In our Just Separated Workbook, we include the W.L.D.U.N. workout, a powerful tool that helps you identify who in your support network can meet specific needs. It’s especially useful during high-stress seasons like the holidays, when emotional triggers, expectations, and interactions with your ex may increase.
The Lifeline of the Back Stage
In the messy, emotional world of co-parenting — especially during the holiday months — the Back Stage is nothing short of a lifeline. It’s where you find understanding, release, grounding, and clarity.
By nurturing your Back Stage and intentionally building a supportive network, you give yourself the strength to show up for your children with compassion and steadiness. You may not be able to control the emotional chaos the holidays sometimes stir up, but you can control how supported you are as you move through them.
And that support makes all the difference — this season, and every season that follows.
The Just Separated Workbook is Available on Amazon Worldwide!
Divorce can feel overwhelming, but the right support makes all the difference.
Just Separated: A Hands-on Workbook for Your Separation and Divorce is your go-to guide for navigating the emotional, legal, financial, and co-parenting challenges of divorce. With practical exercises and expert insights, you can find clarity, regain confidence, and take control of your next chapter, without needing to read cover to cover.
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