Divorceworkshop Blog
Feeling Overwhelmed by Divorce? Here's Why Pausing Can Change Everything
Whether you’re the one initiating the divorce or still deciding, the urge to act quickly can be overwhelming. However, the best first step is often to resist that impulse. Taking a moment to "sit still" provides both you and your ex with the space to emotionally settle and think more clearly. This pause doesn’t mean waiting months—it’s simply about creating a brief period of reflection before rushing into decisions you might later regret.
In my case, I deeply wish I had taken this pause. Instead, I reacted out of fear and haste, without fully understanding the dynamics of my marriage or my ex's behavior. Many of us in difficult or abusive relationships may not even realize the extent of the toxicity or who we’re dealing with until it’s too late. Had I been able to gain more insight into who I was divorcing or had more guidance, my approach to the divorce would have been much more strategic and I would have been better equipped to handle who I was divorcing.
Note: It’s important to recognize that in cases of domestic violence or extreme toxicity, there is often no option to pause. For those in such situations, immediate safety must come first, and acting quickly is necessary. In these instances, seeking help from a legal professional or support organization is critical, and a pause may not be possible.
Why So Many Divorces Happen After the Holidays—Including Mine
At the time, I didn’t fully understand why we often hold on through the holidays, even when a relationship is falling apart. Reflecting on my own experience, I stayed for my children. I wanted to give them one last holiday as a family, even though the tension in the air was undeniable.
Many people face the same pressure: the desire to maintain the appearance of a happy family, the hope for a holiday miracle, or simply the wish to avoid adding more pain to an already emotional season.
I’ve since learned this is a common experience. Countless men and women have shared stories of waiting until after the holidays to finally say, “I’m done.” The holiday season, while joyous for some, often magnifies dissatisfaction and exposes the cracks in a marriage, making them impossible to ignore.
Holiday Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Balancing Front Stage and Backstage Roles
The holiday season is here—a time of joy, reflection, and, for many, emotional challenges. If you're navigating co-parenting during a divorce, this time of year can amplify both the good and the hard. It’s a season filled with festive events, family gatherings, and traditions—but also with moments that might feel bittersweet or even overwhelming.
Have you ever had to put on a brave face and play nice with your ex in public? It can feel like starring in a soap opera or winning an Oscar—minus the fame or fortune. However, that’s exactly what co-parenting often is: a balancing act of emotions where you have to keep your cool for your children’s sake.
Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
For over 19 years, I endured a relationship filled with manipulation and emotional turmoil. At the time, I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening—the subtle, persistent tactics left me questioning my reality and constantly doubting myself. Only much later after I separated, did I discover DARVO, a tactic used by many highconflict personalities and emotional abusers, and things started to make sense. Suppose I had known about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) earlier. In that case, I might have recognized the signs and understood how this tactic impacted my sense of self and experiences.
Understanding DARVO has helped me—and my clients and I hope it can help you—see through the confusion created by these toxic dynamics and take steps toward a healthier, more empowered life.
What is DARVO and Where Did It Originate?
Feeling Lost in Divorce? The Just Separated Workbook is Your Guide
What if navigating the turbulent waters of divorce didn’t have to feel so isolating and confusing? Over three years ago, Divorce Workshop was born from a candid conversation in a backyard, where we shared our personal experiences grappling with the overwhelming emotions of separation. Like many, we faced confusion and regret over the many mistakes we made before, during, and after our divorces.
Divorce and Early Death: What You Need to Know
As a thanatologist, my work delves into the intricate and often delicate realm of mortality and its various facets. Recently, I came across a study that piqued my interest—a study shedding light on an unexpected connection between divorce and early mortality rates. It's widely acknowledged that divorce ranks as the second most stressful life event, following closely behind the loss of a loved one. This means that the emotional toll it exacts is profound and significant, to the point that it can even impact one's longevity. The statistics are eye-opening: For every 100,000 people, approximately 1,363 divorcees experience early mortality, compared to just 779 among those who remain in a married union. This revelation prompts us to delve deeper into the ways divorce might influence our long-term health.
How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”
What is Grief?
In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognize that their children may also be grieving.
One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.
Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.
Finding Clarity: My Journey to Ending a Marriage.
Choosing to end a marriage is never an easy decision; it often lingers beneath the surface for years before becoming impossible to ignore. For many, the path toward divorce is a subtle process of emotional detachment. It’s like watching a thread slowly unwind from a spool—quiet and steady. Over time, you find yourself drifting apart, and the bond that once held you together begins to fray. The shared dreams and hopes that once united you gradually fade into distant memories.
As you navigate the complexities of marriage, a growing unease often starts to creep in—a whisper that something fundamental has shifted. You may start to question whether the relationship is still fulfilling, or if you’re staying out of obligation, fear, or uncertainty. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and often signal deeper issues that need addressing. Divorce is not something we plan for when we marry, but sometimes it becomes necessary for our well-being, especially if there are forms of abuse, neglect, or a deep disconnection that have taken root in the relationship.
Transactional Coparenting: A Practical Path Forward
The complexities of coparenting necessitate a range of styles which means that coparenting dynamics are as varied as the parents themselves. While each circumstance is unique, a few common strategies emerge. These strategies hinge on an essential characteristic of coparenting - the level of cooperation parents can effectively manage. These strategies significantly impact how people who are parenting from separate homes interact and function.
This article explores one such approach: transactional coparenting. This method prioritizes practicality and logistics over connection and mutual support. An understanding of the characteristics of transactional coparenting can help equip coparents with tools to establish a functional routine and effective relationship amidst the disruption of separation.
Why Your Digital Footprint Matters in Divorce
When I decided to end my 19-year marriage, one of my first actions was to remove my ex from all my social media platforms, doing so quite quickly after we separated. He noticed and questioned me about it, clearly upset. I hadn’t been told to take this step, but instinctively, I knew I didn’t want him to have access to that part of my life anymore. At the time, I wasn’t entirely sure why I acted so swiftly, but looking back, I realize it was a crucial move to protect my privacy. As our divorce later became high conflict, this decision proved even more important in maintaining boundaries and ensuring that he couldn’t use anything from my personal life as leverage.
Shortly after I removed him, he accused me—through his mother—of spreading lies about him on Facebook
The Cost of Divorce: Budgeting and Planning for Expenses
Divorce can be a costly process, but with careful budgeting and strategic planning, you can manage expenses and protect your financial future. In this blog post, we explore ways to budget effectively, reduce costs during a divorce, and explain how a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) can be a valuable resource.
Forgiving my Ex - Is it Possible?
Research underscores that forgiveness holds profound positive effects on both mental and physical health. Beyond contributing to emotional well-being, forgiveness in the context of divorce is associated with post-divorce improvements, increased life satisfaction, and reduced mental health issues. Moreover, extending forgiveness to your ex-spouse can enhance co-parenting dynamics, garner support, and alleviate challenges for your children.
The Complexity of Forgiveness:
The intricacies of forgiveness became evident to Kirk and me as we concluded the recovery unit in our Divorce Workbook We recognize that forgiveness is a nuanced process, varying for each person based on unique coping mechanisms and life experiences. Reflecting on our journeys, we contemplate what it truly means to genuinely forgive our ex-partners and the obstacles that hinder this process.
How did the Narcissist become this way?
Understanding the twists and turns of human behavior is just part of life's journey. Sometimes, we come across behaviors in others that puzzle us.. However, when these traits lean towards the spectrum of narcissism, the challenge becomes notably formidable, especially within the context of past relationships with partners or spouses. Recognizing the presence of narcissistic tendencies in a partner can occur gradually, characterized by patterns of blame, projection, deception, gaslighting, manipulation, etc.
In my journey, these realizations began to unfold in my late 30s, as I started to discern recurring behaviors within my marriage. While the decision to extricate myself from this toxic dynamic was arduous, it ultimately proved to be liberating. Yet, even after severing ties, lingering questions persisted—how does one evolve into becoming a person high on the narcissism spectrum? What are the influences that shape such behavior?
Why every Realtor needs a Divorce Mediator in their back pocket
Every realtor is keenly aware of the importance of clear communication for the smooth sale of a home. They also know all about the frustration of communication breaking down and the sale derailing. When the news reaches the realtor’s ears that there is an impending divorce and the marital home will go up for sale, you can feel the stress level rise and your eyes roll.
But what if there was a way for realtors to sidestep the need to tap dance through the roles of realtor, therapist and negotiator?
Enter the divorce mediator! Whose job it is to facilitate clear communication and help the sellers settle on the terms of the sale.
Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S. and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living
Why do I feel Lonely after my Divorce
Loneliness is a common and often daunting experience for many going through divorce. Society's support can be lacking, and sharing these feelings with friends and family may not always provide the understanding we hope for. I recall trying to talk to my family about my emotions during this time; they cared, but their lives continued unchanged. Even though I had sought relief from an abusive marriage and felt a sense of liberation, there were still moments when I felt profoundly alone. As a grief specialist, I understand the complex emotions of grieving the loss of a partner. Feeling relief and rebuilding one's life can be an isolating journey.
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR HOME IN A DIVORCE?
The first step in addressing the future of your home in a divorce is to determine the ownership. In Ontario, the matrimonial home is treated uniquely compared to other assets. Regardless of which spouse holds the title, both parties have an equal right to stay in the house until a separation agreement or court order states otherwise. This rule ensures that neither spouse can sell or mortgage the home without the other's consent.
STEP 2: VALUING THE HOME
The next step involves valuing the home to determine its worth. This valuation is typically conducted by a professional appraiser who will consider factors such as the current real estate market, the condition of the property, and comparable home sales in the area.
Accurate valuation is critical, as it impacts the division of assets and helps determine whether one spouse can afford to keep the home or if selling is the best option.
STEP 3: DECIDING ON THE FUTURE OF THE HOME
Torn Apart: My Journey of how I lost my Son to Divorce
Divorce can be a brutal battlefield, and amidst the wreckage of a failed marriage, I had endured 25 years of a very draining and, at times, abusive relationship. I left my marriage, and I had no idea that I would lose one of my sons as well. This loss is as real and profound as any other, yet it's shrouded in ambiguity, making it even harder to bear. He is physically absent, but he is psychologically very present. In reality, I am mourning a child who is no longer in my world, even though he's alive and well and living an hour from me.
My journey through the grief of ambiguous loss is compounded by the painful reality of my son being coercively controlled by my ex-spouse. It's a scenario that no parent should ever have to endure, but unfortunately, it's a stark reality for many of us in similar situations. Parental alienation has torn my family apart, and it's an intricate web of manipulation and emotional distance that's difficult to convey.
How Divorce Affects Boys and Girls Differently
While divorce generally affects both genders, boys and girls may experience it differently. Girls often display some unique responses in comparison to boys and vice versa. Research suggests that girls may exhibit negative symptoms, including emotions like depression, anger, and psychological distress. In contrast, boys may sometimes exhibit increased negative behaviors such as aggression or fighting.
The Significance of Taking your Wedding Ring Off
We know it takes an average of 5 years of marital discord and conflict for a person to decide to leave the marriage. Many of those individuals are women, and the process of detaching and growing apart from their spouse was happening during the marriage itself. This means that the identity associated with the ring began to lose its value, even sentimentally. When you repeatedly attempt to salvage a marriage, and it withers away over time, the rings and all those promises made years ago no longer hold the same significance.