Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
For over 19 years, I endured a relationship filled with manipulation and emotional turmoil. At the time, I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening—the subtle, persistent tactics left me questioning my reality and constantly doubting myself. Only much later after I separated, did I discover DARVO, a tactic used by many highconflict personalities and emotional abusers, and things started to make sense. Suppose I had known about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) earlier. In that case, I might have recognized the signs and understood how this tactic impacted my sense of self and experiences.
Understanding DARVO has helped me—and my clients and I hope it can help you—see through the confusion created by these toxic dynamics and take steps toward a healthier, more empowered life.
What is DARVO and Where Did It Originate?
The term DARVO was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a psychologist and researcher, to describe a common response used by perpetrators of abuse, especially when confronted with their harmful actions. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and it describes a defensive reaction that abusers use to shift blame and avoid accountability. This manipulation strategy is especially common among high-conflict personalities and other individuals who seek to control or emotionally manipulate others.
In DARVO, the abuser:
Denies any wrongdoing, leading the victim to doubt their own feelings and experiences.
Attacks the victim by shifting the focus and blaming them.
Reverses the roles of Victim and Offender, positioning themselves as the one who has been wronged.
Dr. Freyd developed this concept to help victims and professionals recognize these behaviors, as DARVO can have profound effects on a victim’s mental health, often leading to confusion, self-doubt, and even trauma bonding, where the victim feels a strong attachment to the abuser despite the ongoing harm.
How DARVO Works: A Closer Look
To illustrate DARVO, here’s an example of how it might play out in a conversation:
Deny
Jane: “I feel hurt when you make fun of me in front of others.”
Mark: “That’s not true! You’re just being overly sensitive. I never hurt you!”
Here, Mark denies any wrongdoing, making Jane question her own feelings and experience.Attack
Jane: “But it really affects my self-esteem.”
Mark: “You always make everything about you. Maybe if you weren’t so insecure, you wouldn’t take it personally.”
Mark shifts the blame onto Jane, criticizing her rather than addressing her concerns.Reverse Victim and Offender
Jane: “I just want to talk about this.”
Mark: “You’re making me feel like the bad guy! It’s unfair; I’m the one suffering from your emotional outbursts!”
Mark portrays himself as the victim, making Jane feel guilty for expressing her feelings.
This pattern creates a dynamic where the true victim feels responsible for the abuser’s actions, leading them to doubt their perception of reality and even their own worth. DARVO tactics can be used by both men and women, and they often leave lasting effects on the victim's mental and emotional health.
The Emotional Toll of DARVO
DARVO can have a serious emotional impact, especially on individuals in long-term relationships with high conflict or emotional abusers. I remember thinking over and over why am I to blame for everything in this marriage? The constant denial and shifting of blame create a sense of instability, leading victims to question their reality and even feel responsible for their partner’s harmful behavior. Over time, I formed along with many who have experienced DARVO a trauma bond, where the victim feels an intense emotional connection to the abuser despite the pain they’re experiencing.
Trauma bonding is particularly common in relationships where DARVO is used. The victim becomes emotionally attached, hoping for validation and a resolution that never comes, often feeling both deeply connected and deeply confused. Victims may struggle with symptoms like anxiety, depression, and even PTSD as a result of enduring this manipulation tactic over an extended period.
Identifying DARVO in Different Relationships
While DARVO is often seen in romantic relationships, it’s not limited to them. This tactic can also appear in various other contexts, including:
Workplaces: Supervisors or coworkers may use DARVO to deflect blame for mistakes or create a narrative where they are the “real” victims.
Family Dynamics: Family members, including siblings and parents, may use DARVO to control or silence others, particularly when the victim tries to hold them accountable.
Friendships: Toxic friends can also use DARVO tactics to avoid responsibility, making it hard for the victim to address concerns without feeling guilty.
Being aware of DARVO in these different settings can help you recognize it and set boundaries in all aspects of your life.
Some tips
Trust Your Feelings: Acknowledge that your feelings and experiences are valid. Just because the other person denies or minimizes your concerns doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Validate your emotions to maintain your sense of self.
Communicate Between Spock and Ted Lasso: In high-conflict situations, especially when children are involved, find a balance between the emotional warmth of Ted Lasso and the logical detachment of Spock. This approach, highlighted in the Just Separated workbook, encourages you to be friendly yet assertive in your communications. By navigating this middle ground, you can engage without getting drawn into emotional games or becoming overly cold.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, coaches, and therapists. The stronger your team the better you will be. I needed to be heard and validated that this was real and it was not me but him.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate personal boundaries that prioritize your well-being. Instead of expecting the other person to change, focus on what you need to protect yourself. You do not have to keep stating these boundaries because they will not listen. Setting clear boundaries for yourself can help you regain control and safeguard yourself from further manipulation.
Your not alone
If DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender) has been a pattern in your relationship, remember that you are not alone. Many people have walked this difficult path, and recognizing these manipulative tactics is a courageous step toward healing. I know firsthand how confusing and isolating it can feel. For years, I questioned my own reality and doubted my worth because of the constant denial and blame-shifting I experienced.
One instance still stands out: I suggested an early morning tea as a way for us to connect. At first, he joined me twice, but when I asked why he stopped, he said it was my fault—claiming the room was too quiet. Yet, if there was a 7 a.m. tee-off, he’d be gone without a second thought. This was just one of countless micro and macro DARVO experiences over the years.
Over time, after I left, I realized that none of this was my fault. The person I was married to has a high-conflict personality, and they will never change. For me and others, understanding DARVO was a pivotal turning point—it helped me cut through the fog of manipulation and begin reclaiming my sense of self. Your feelings and perceptions are valid, and it’s essential to trust yourself, even when others try to undermine your reality.
Healing isn’t a straight line, and it’s okay to go at your own pace. After years of effort, I’m finally in a place of peace, though I still have moments of grief and disbelief about how long I endured that life. Take a moment to reflect on your experiences and recognize your resilience. You deserve peace, happiness, and relationships that uplift rather than break you down.
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