Divorceworkshop Blog
Torn Apart: My Journey of how I lost my Son to Divorce
Divorce can be a brutal battlefield, and amidst the wreckage of a failed marriage, I had endured 25 years of a very draining and, at times, abusive relationship. I left my marriage, and I had no idea that I would lose one of my sons as well. This loss is as real and profound as any other, yet it's shrouded in ambiguity, making it even harder to bear. He is physically absent, but he is psychologically very present. In reality, I am mourning a child who is no longer in my world, even though he's alive and well and living an hour from me.
My journey through the grief of ambiguous loss is compounded by the painful reality of my son being coercively controlled by my ex-spouse. It's a scenario that no parent should ever have to endure, but unfortunately, it's a stark reality for many of us in similar situations. Parental alienation has torn my family apart, and it's an intricate web of manipulation and emotional distance that's difficult to convey.
How Divorce Affects Boys and Girls Differently
While divorce generally affects both genders, boys and girls may experience it differently. Girls often display some unique responses in comparison to boys and vice versa. Research suggests that girls may exhibit negative symptoms, including emotions like depression, anger, and psychological distress. In contrast, boys may sometimes exhibit increased negative behaviors such as aggression or fighting.
The Significance of Taking your Wedding Ring Off
We know it takes an average of 5 years of marital discord and conflict for a person to decide to leave the marriage. Many of those individuals are women, and the process of detaching and growing apart from their spouse was happening during the marriage itself. This means that the identity associated with the ring began to lose its value, even sentimentally. When you repeatedly attempt to salvage a marriage, and it withers away over time, the rings and all those promises made years ago no longer hold the same significance.
Divorce Dilemma: Trapped Together by High Housing Costs
When a couple is going through what is considered the second most stressful event in their lives, they may find themselves in the unexpected predicament of sharing a home. This is a hard and challenging situation, and for anyone who has experienced divorce, it's clear that this is far from the ideal choice.
In the past, the idea of a divorced couple living together for an extended period seemed uncommon, almost unheard of. However, as we grapple with high inflation and economic downturns, this arrangement is becoming increasingly prevalent. Couples co-parent, come and go as they please, or one parent may find themselves relegated to living in the basement. It's a new reality born out of financial necessity, and it's reshaping the way we think about post-divorce living arrangements.
Grey Divorce and the Effects on your Children
What struck me in that conversation was the assumption that once kids grow up, we often think our children are somehow shielded from the impact of divorce. The reality is, that divorce is a significant event with lasting effects that extend beyond just the younger ones in the family. Recent statistics reveal that 16.4% of divorces involve marriages of 25 years or more, and 42% occur in marriages lasting between 10 and 24 years. While it's acknowledged that divorce does affect children, especially in high-conflict situations, the idea that young adults come out unscathed is incorrect. Challenges and grief persist, emphasizing the need for a thorough understanding of the impact of divorce on individuals of all ages
Why do we feel like failures in Divorce?
Shifting the focus from self-blame to a thoughtful examination of the marriage's dynamics offers valuable insights. Exploring where the relationship fell short in meeting emotional needs, fostering communication, and maintaining a healthy, secure connection helps individuals disentangle from feelings of guilt and shame. This change in perspective enables a more objective reflection on the factors contributing to the marriage's breakdown without unnecessary rumination.
Discovering the foundations of a thriving marital relationship involves recognizing the significance of effective communication, feeling secure and safe, mutual trust, emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and shared values. Identifying these elements allows individuals to form a clearer vision of what they seek in future relationships, fostering personal growth and the cultivation of healthier, more fulfilling connections.
High-Conflict Divorce: Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting
It's crucial to clarify that the terms "co-parenting" and "parallel parenting" are not legal terms; instead, they are practical strategies designed to help divorced parents navigate the complexities of raising children separately. These strategies emphasize the importance of prioritizing the well-being of the children during and after divorce proceedings, providing a framework for effective parenting collaboration despite any lingering personal conflicts. The parents themselves decide that parallel parenting is right for them or with help from legal representatives. The best parallel parenting arrangement begins with clear rules and expectations established from the beginning. Since minimal contact between parents is a key aim, creating detailed parallel parenting plans covering various future scenarios is usually beneficial.
Why would I Ever Date again?
However, as a woman now in my 40s, I questioned my attractiveness and how I would be perceived. I was forgetting that most people I would be dating would have the same thoughts. When you're young, you carry less baggage and can focus on your life and your partner's. However, when you're dating after divorce, especially with children in the picture, it can often feel like an intricate juggling act. You have so much more to think about than just yourself and that other person. There are many things to consider when you think about going dating after divorce.
My Best Friend is divorcing. Should I get one too?
Have you ever had a conversation with a dear married friend about your divorce, only to notice them growing visibly uncomfortable as if the topic itself were taboo or made them uncomfortable? I distinctly recall such moments, not only with one friend but with several within my social network. Looking back, it was as if I had unwittingly contracted some contagious ailment, leaving them hesitant to engage in an in-depth discussion about my divorce. Little did I know that years later, I would stumble upon a captivating study from Brown University that sheds light on this very phenomenon.
How to Navigate Extracurriculars While Co-parenting
One thing that has been a major point of contention in my co-parenting life is extracurriculars. It is hard in a household where there are two married parents, let alone ones who struggle with co-parenting. Today we will explore some obstacles when it comes to coparenting and extracurricular activities and what some options are to guide us through the challenges.
Slow Death, Sudden Departure: Navigating Grief in Divorce
Among the many hurdles that arise during this process is learning to establish and maintain clear boundaries with your ex. Failing to set boundaries can give rise to various problems such as your personal well-being and personal space, remaining co-dependant on your ex, may complicate the financial situations and it can cause difficulties in co-parenting. By understanding these challenges, we can explore strategies to overcome them and foster a healthier and more empowering divorce journey
5 Resolutions for a Prosperous New Year
Create a Realistic Budget: Start the year with a clear understanding of your income, expenses, and financial goals. Craft a realistic budget that aligns with your lifestyle while allowing room for savings. Identify areas where you can cut back on unnecessary expenses, and allocate funds towards building an emergency fund or contributing to long-term savings.
The Emerging Trend of Mediation in Divorce
For generations, litigation was the only choice, with the potential to turn every divorce into a courtroom spectacle. Litigation is inherently adversarial, and the costs alone are exorbitant. However, against this backdrop of tradition, change is slowly sweeping across continents with the introduction of family mediation as a compelling alternative. The surging popularity of mediation is bringing about significant changes in how divorces are managed. These changes go beyond financial matters; they are fundamentally reshaping the entire landscape of divorce proceedings.
Finding Holiday Joy after Divorce: Navigating Your First Holidays
The initial Christmas following a divorce can be an incredibly tough and solitary journey. Reflecting on my own experience, I can still recall the deluge of overwhelming anxiety and complex emotions that enveloped me as I anticipated my first Christmas post-separation. Questions swirled in my mind. How would I spend some of the holidays without my children? How would my family respond to my new separated status? Adjusting to this significant change in my holiday dynamics brought forth a multitude of feelings, leaving me with a blend of apprehension and uncertainty.
Creating a Post-Divorce Financial Roadmap
Divorce is a significant life transition that brings both emotional and financial challenges. As you navigate the complexities of ending a marriage, one essential aspect is to create a financial road map for life after divorce. This road map can help you regain control of your financial well-being and set the foundation for a secure future. In this blog post, we'll explore the steps to construct a post-divorce financial road map that empowers you to thrive independently
Broken Bonds: Navigating Parental Alienation - One Father's Tale
Little did I know that the true challenges lay ahead and the post-divorce abuse that was to come, as I encountered the grief-ridden experience of being alienated from my youngest son. As the first year passed after the separation, the signs of parental alienation became increasingly evident. My youngest son's withdrawal and abrupt silence shattered me, as our once-strong bond disintegrated before my eyes. It felt like an invisible barrier had been erected, leaving me adrift and ill-equipped to navigate this challenging situation. Confusion consumed me as I struggled to understand the reasons behind his sudden withdrawal and how to respond. This experience caught me off guard, and I was completely unaware and unprepared for this type of thing. Sadly, I had no idea that this could actually happen, and tragically, it is more common than I initially recognized
How To Prevent The Fizz in Your Marriage From Fizzling After Baby
As a divorce attorney, I spent over 30 years asking clients what happened in their relationship to bring them to my office. Many times, no matter how much they thought they loved each other, introducing a baby who requires 24/7 attention into the relationship caused turbulence between the partners and took a toll on their well-being.
I was used as my Parents messenger in their Divorce
As someone who has been through a divorce, I believe it's crucial for those exploring or going through this challenging journey to understand what it feels like to be a child of divorce. Often, children become the forgotten ones amidst the turmoil, stress, and uncertainty of divorce. As a divorced person myself, I have viewed the lens in both sets of eyes. Both are difficult, and I understand how hard it can be to balance being a good parent while navigating the complexities of divorce. However, it is the child that needs to be thought of the most.
Divorce and Halloween: Tips for a Smooth and Joyful Celebration
For many children, including my own, Halloween is not just another day—it's a BIG deal! My children talk about Halloween just as much as they do about Christmas. The adventures of Halloween start at a young age, as they excitedly don their cute little outfits and embark on a journey of spooky fun. Or as they grow older, they start having real involvement in choosing their Halloween costumes for the year. As families, we cherish the special Halloween traditions and routines we've built over the years, maybe we hosted or attended annual Halloween parties or went out with a group of friends or loved ones. However, all of this changes when divorce enters the picture, and suddenly, Halloween can become a bit tricky to navigate. The significance of this cherished occasion in our children's lives demands that we prioritize their happiness and ensure they have a magical Halloween without any unnecessary tension-filled moments.
The Pros and Cons of a Nesting Parenting Plan
Sometimes, finding the right balance of parenting time can be difficult for divorcing parents. Keeping the kids in the family home is vital for countless parents.
You may feel that the matrimonial home is the only home the children have known. You may think that keeping your kids in the family home is in the children's best interest because it will provide the most stability during this time of drastic changes.